Caregiver's Journal 7/30/10

Hello everyone. Sorry I haven't written or posted in a while, but life has been upside down. Caring for my has been very difficult. I've been search for months for a nursing home. Most places had no open bed, rehab only or just terrible. I found a great nursing home with residents with her same nationality and ethnic foods and activities she'd enjoy. I place an application, but was told there were no beds available and they had a waiting list a mile long. I believed in my heart this was the right place for her. (I began praying continuously, believing the nursing home had an open bed for her.)

Her swallowing problems worsen. I took her to her physician,who ordered a swallowing test. I went back to the nursing home with the doctor's evaluation. They went into over drive placing high on the waiting list due to urgency, but stated there still wasn't any beds available. Not expecting anything soon, I continued caring for her the best I could. Last week the nursing home called me back saying they had an open bed, bring her right in. I was shocked with disbelief on how soon she got in. God does answer prayer.

It feels really strange. I don't know how to deal time. I'm constantly checking the clock, going to her room, checking to see if she needs anything or help to the bathroom. I've been doing this so long I've lost myself and have been running on auto pilot. My husband says it will be awhile before I adjust to having a normal, not being a full time caregiver and under constant pressure of tending to her needs. Even when I'm sitting in front of the TV relaxing, reading a book or working on my glitter art feels strange as if I've abandon her or I'm being really bad person. I know it'll take a while to get used not having to care for her.

I still have to tend to her other matters as banking, medical issues, nursing home papers, etc... at least I don't have to tend to her physically. She's well cared for in the nursing home, which give me piece of mind.

Thank you to everyone who commented or sent emails expressing their concerns and support. I'm deeply blessed with a great community of wonderful caring people.